Category Archives: Life

Desiring to Know God

I love when several things that I encounter in a day all point to the same truth about God. That’s what happened today.

As part of my devotional reading, while I played ball with the dog, I decided to read a couple of Psalms. I went to my old favorite, Psalm 116, which I’ve written about before. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say I’ve read this particular Psalm at least 50 times (probably closer to 100). Yet as I read this morning I saw a truth that I hadn’t seen before in verses 8 and 9, which say:

8For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

 9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

My focus has always been on verse 8, because God did deliver me from death, tears, and stumbling when He showed me the root of my major clinical depression. But this morning I noticed why He delivered me. It wasn’t so I could go about my business and do whatever I please. And it wasn’t so I could work hard to earn His approval. It was so that I could have a relationship with Him, so that I could “walk before the Lord in the land of the living.”

Later, after I had showered and dressed for work, I kneeled to pray as is my morning habit. But first I read a one-page devotion from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. (I started this devotional this year because I thought it didn’t have dates in it so it wouldn’t matter if I missed a day, but I discovered this morning that the dates are in the footer at the bottom of the page. Oops.)

Anyway, as I read the January 31 entry, I came across this sentence: “Christian workers fail because they place their desire for their own holiness above their desire to know God.” Ouch. As I prayed, I pondered where I might be doing good works to prove my own holiness. I asked God to help me focus on just knowing Him. I’m finding as that becomes my desire, the work that is before me becomes less of a burden. Instead, it becomes a blessing because I do it in His power and for His glory.

Finally, I was finishing up my children’s lesson for Bible Study Fellowship, reviewing my answers to the week’s questions to decide how to answer the question “What have you learned about God in this week’s study?” The study is about the suffering Christians face. My answer was that, “All of our suffering, comfort, and joy are designed by God to bring us into a closer relationship with Him, like the one He had with Adam and Eve before they sinned.”

This life really is about walking with God in all that we do, whether it be work or leisure, suffering or blessing. When we do it all with God, instead of apart from God, we have the abundant life Jesus promised. John 10:10.

Leave a comment

Filed under Faith, Jesus, Life, Psalms, Service

Coming Clean: A Book Review of Sorts

In case anyone is wondering, I’m still working on my memoir, but it’s no longer going to be titled “My Year of Living Fearlessly.” That was a title that was suggested to me by an editor and I thought it was saleable and what I was supposed to be writing. But after manufacturing a structure to the book that involved five antidotes to fear and submitting a book proposal to said editor as well as several agents, I hit a brick wall with the writing. I think more aptly, I felt like the Holy Spirit prevented me from proceeding with my plan for the book, much as He prevented Paul and Silas from preaching in Asia. Acts 16:6.

I decided that I needed to read some other memoirs to get a better idea of how they are written and what makes good memoir. About the time I had decided this, a friend posted a link on Facebook to Seth Haines’ new memoir Coming Clean: A Story of Faith, which was available on Kindle at the time for only $1.99.

I bought Seth’s memoir primarily to learn the craft of memoir writing in preparation for writing my own. I got so much more out of this wonderful book than I had bargained for. On the surface it is a story about overcoming alcoholism and Seth’s first 90 days of sobriety. But what is below the surface is relevant to anyone who is using some earthly crutch to mask the pain we all inevitably experience in this world and to hide from a God we sometimes aren’t sure knows or cares. I thought I knew all I needed to about forgiveness, but this book opened my eyes to the many ways I still need forgive and let God be in control.

One of my favorite lines in the book is when Seth quotes Buddy Wakefield, a spoken-word poet, who said, “Forgiveness is releasing all hope for a better past.” When writing memoir, one must necessarily face the past and accept it as unchangeable. This is why my new working title (who am I kidding, it’s going to be the final title if I have any say in the matter) is You Can’t Go Back to Tuesday. As I’ve pondered this, and started on my next memoir to read, God is teaching me more and more what that means for today.

I had the pleasure of meeting Seth a year ago at the Faith & Culture Writers Conference and he encouraged me to write exactly the book I’m determined now to write. Having met him, I shouldn’t have been so surprised about the depth and honesty of his writing. If you’re looking for a formulaic answer to your problems or a nice neatly organized, chronological story, you won’t find it here. But you will find the heart of a man who loves God, loves his son and family, and struggles like the rest of us to understand suffering. This book is well worth the price (even if I’d paid full price) and the time it takes to read. From the day I started it I could hardly put it down.

The double blessing is that I also learned something about how to write great memoir, which was my goal in the first place. I learned that great memoir happens when the author writes for themselves and for purposes of their own growth and understanding of their circumstances. If you try to write what you think others want to read or what you think a publisher will buy, you’ll never write great memoir. If you try to impose some formula—like five antidotes to fear—then you won’t help yourself or resonate with your potential readers.

Seth wrote this “journal” for himself, and in the process shared honestly with us in a way that resonates deep in the soul. I hope and pray I can do the same.

2 Comments

Filed under Book Review, Faith, Jesus, Life

Waiting

The dust-covered book
sits silently on the table
waiting to be dusted
and read

________________

The Meeting the Bar prompt at dVerse Poets Pub yesterday was to write a poem in the style of imagism. I immediately thought of the above short bit of verse.

18 Comments

Filed under Book Review, Life, Poetry

Perchance to Dance

Oh, to dance a
romantic happenstance with love
on a June evening
perchance a preordained meeting
an answer to prayer
believe if you dare

What shall I wear
this evening to dance
to meet my love
catch his first glance
by grace from above

____________________________

I’m finally getting around to writing to the Monday prompt at dVerse Poets Pub where Bjorn challenged us to write a Quadrille, a poem of exactly 44 words. The poem must include the word “dance” as an intransitive verb. I decided to write 11 lines of 4 words each with some internal and end rhymes throughout. The subject is the night I met my husband over 30 years ago.

10 Comments

Filed under Faith, Family, Life, Poetry

My Redeemer, A Psalm

The Lord is my Redeemer
He is my comfort in times of sorrow
He is my Rock when the tempest roils
O Lord, You are my Hope when all seems hopeless
My refuge from the storms within and without

The Lord is my Peace
When conflict and strife seem never-ending
He is my joy in good times and bad
For His Joy is my strength
O Lord, how long until my striving cease
And You make all things new

My heart wants to doubt, O Lord
That You will fulfill Your awesome promises
Yet I know my heart is deceitful and vain
But You are faithful and trustworthy
So I will put my trust in the Lord

The Lord is my Redeemer and my Hope
I will rest in You and be satisfied
I will trust in You and be at peace

____________________________

The dVerse Poets Pub prompt on Tuesday was to write a poem inspired by the poetry of our favorite poet. Well, my favorite poet is King David and his Psalms have inspired me to write before. I wasn’t able to write to the prompt in time to link there, but this morning I turned to the Psalms and wrote this psalm of my own. What I love about the Psalms is that there is often both praise of God and lament within the same poem. As I read several favorite Psalms this morning I was also struck by how they often switch from speaking directly to God to speaking about Him to another.

Since I missed the Tuesday Mr. Linky I’m sharing this today for Open Link Night.

24 Comments

Filed under Faith, Jesus, Life, Poetry, Psalms

Impatience with God’s Timing

Do you ever just want to say “I don’t care”? Not an “I don’t care” that’s apathetic, but an “I don’t care” laced with anger and frustration.

The serenity prayer starts “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” I don’t want serenity and acceptance; I want change. I want God to step up to the plate and fix the things I can’t.

(So I’m typing this on my phone and autocorrect changed God to Food in that last sentence, which is ironic because I tend to use food to avoid the pain, too, and that is something He has given me the power to change.)

My response to my desire for God to fix everything NOW is to impatiently say “I don’t care” in an attempt to mask the pain.

I feel a bit like the Psalmist who often asked “How long, O Lord?” I guess I’m in good company in my impatience with God’s timing. Even the saints under the altar in Revelation 6 cried out to God, wanting to know “How long?” They were told to wait; I am told to wait. In the process of waiting, I’m learning God’s timing is perfect even if I don’t understand it.

Some things never change, or so it seems from my limited point of view. I believe God has a plan, is working in His timing, and will answer my prayers for change. And so like the father of the possessed boy in Mark ch. 9, I exclaim “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 (NIV).

The waiting, I think, is most challenging when you see a glimmer of hope, a sliver of change when a crisis brings someone to the end of their rope. But then the crisis is diverted and you see the change wasn’t all that you thought it was. Or at least it doesn’t seem so on the outside. That’s when I have to remember that God sees the heart; I’m looking only at external factors.

So the next time you hear me say,  “I don’t care,” don’t believe it. I care much too deeply and am simply feeling impatient. Perhaps you could remind me that means it’s time to pray and trust.

9 Comments

Filed under Faith, Family, Jesus, Life

I See God

I’m going to pretend that this rain
in the lane
Heralds the arrival of spring
when birds sing
As through this long winter I trod
I see God
The robin finds worms in rain-soaked sod
More death and winter the nightly news portends
Yet new life and spring my dear Christ forfends
In the lane when birds sing I see God

___________________

Just had to write a second Ovillejo for dVerse Poets Pub.

18 Comments

Filed under Faith, Jesus, Life, Poetry

I Do Not Care

I ponder often what is true
I do
Of what can’t be changed I dare
not care
Never desiring to stumble and fall
at all
Finding myself back to the wall
Life will be easier once I die
but I must confess this to be a lie
I do not care at all

________________

The lesson for a new poetic form is offered up at dVerse Poets Pub by Whimsygizmo today. It’s a fun Spanish form called the Ovillejo. I just had to give it a try. Head on over for the lesson and to read some wonderful poetry, some whimsical and some more serious, in this wonderful form.

26 Comments

Filed under Faith, Life, Poetry

Promise of Hope

copyright kanzensakura all rights reserved. Used with permission.

copyright kanzensakura all rights reserved. Used with permission.

For the dVerse Poets Pub Haibun Monday prompt today, Toni (aka kanzensakura) has asked us to write a haibun inspired by this photo of hers. Check out the prompt for a description of a haibun and to find the link to a lot of great haibuns that will be posted throughout the week. Here’s mine.

____________________________

I awaken to an unexpected blanket of white outside my window. It’s beautiful, with flakes still falling, floating really, to the ground. I should relish the beauty, but I can’t because I know it will soon turn to ice. It always does around here. As a result church is cancelled, school is cancelled, work is delayed, and Bible study is cancelled. I stare out at the bleak beauty and spy a small pink bunch of flowers blooming. They weren’t expecting the snow either. In them I see a greater beauty, a hope and promise of spring to come.

God eternally
promises a return
of life after death

33 Comments

Filed under Faith, Jesus, Life, Poetry

Alive and Well

A puff wafts from the doorway of the old building
I scrunch up my nose at the scent, shake my head in disgust
or anger perhaps is a more accurate description of my feeling

I don’t smell it often in these days of indoor smoking bans
Mostly when walking downtown, passed old buildings
on my way somewhere that will be smoke free

Today that scent reminds me of them, but it’s not the good memories
It’s the memory of what killed them, their obsession with Old Gold
bare-butt cigarettes, in the house, the car, the trailer out camping

I prefer the scent of eucalyptus and fresh garden dill
that remind me of better days when they were alive and well
at least as well as two chain-smokers could be

That foul scent also reminds me of embarrassment
at being accused of smoking myself by a 7th grade P.E. teacher
because the stench of their smoke was inescapable for me

I glance into the doorway at the young woman smoking
I want to scream at her, tell her how stupid she is
I want to ask her if she wants to die before her grandkids are born

But I don’t, I simply move on, away from the smell
and consciously shift my focus to memories of better days
when they were still alive and well

__________________________________________

The first prompt of the year at dVerse Poets Pub is to write about a scent or scents that evoke memories. This is the first thing that came to mind yesterday. I tried to come up with something else because I didn’t want my first post of the year to be such a downer. But alas, sometimes we simply must write down what’s already written in the mind.

16 Comments

Filed under Family, Life, Poetry